New Definitions

1) Project Manager - is a Person who thinks Nine women can deliver a baby in One month.
2) Development Engineer - is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a baby.
3) Project Coordinator - is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month.
4) Client - is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby.
5) Marketing Manager - is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.
6) Resource Optimization Team - thinks they don't need a man or woman; they'll produce a child with zero resources.
7) Documentation Team - Thinks they don't care whether the child is delivered, they'll just document 9 months.
8) Quality Engineer - is the person who is never happy with the PROCESS to produce a baby.

Opening for VAS/MIS

Experience: 1 to 7 years of experience

- Provide ongoing MIS support for analysis and reporting to aid strategic and tactical decisions

- Customer Usage Analytics (what services customers are buying)

- Spend Analytics (where the users are spending money)

- Marketing Analytics (analytics about competition and new products/services)

- MIS and reporting as per Client requirementsIndustry Preferred: Telecom / ITES

Location: Gurgaon

Contact:-jayaraj@peoplefirst.co.in

Excellent opportunity for NSS/ Switch Engineer in Jammu Ericsson

Position: NSS/ Switch Engineer
Location: Jammu
Education: B.E (Electronics)/ Relevant Education
Experience: 3-7 Years

Contact:-tsharma@visnovasolutions.com

Network Analyst"Opening With Top MNC@Blore

Conduct network analysis by using industry standard tools and identify network related performance issues.
Provide recommendations on ways to eliminate/reduce performance related issues
Use tools and conduct simulation of different network conditions
Collaborate with Performance Engineering Leads and project team to develop performance engineering objectives and the performance acceptance criteria used in engineering projects.

Contact:-Devshri@msourceone.com

Urgent requirement for “ BSS-BO

Exp: 3+ yrs
Education: B.E/B.TECH
To work within well defined system support guidelines.
• To prioritise faults to meet SLA/WLA.
• To investigate faults/cause related to system/network problems.
• To participate in internal technical discussions in view to improve overall network performance and make recommendations wherever possible.
• To ensure correct working methodology.
• To be able to efficiently use tools like Alex and Primus.

Contact:-gunjan@bharatjobs.com

opening for DM Switch-Core AM IREG TESTING

job opening with Tata Teleservices Ltd at their Corporate office at Mumbai.
1) Deputy Manager – Switch & Core – Hyderabad
2) Asst. Manager - IREG testing - Mumbai

Contact:-ranjana.tt@urecruiters.com(9869066274)

TCS Pune Walk-IN for Mainframe Developers on Saturday 26th September, 2009

Skill :- Mainframe developer
Experience:- 3yrs -9 yrs (Minimum 2yrs of Relevant experience)
Location :- Pune
Venue:Tata Consultancy Services Ltd.,
Rajashree Business Park,Off Tadiwala Road,
Behind Le Meredian,
Pune - 411 001
Registration Time: 10:00 AM to 12:00 PM
Date: 26th September, 2009 (Saturday)
Contact Number : (Jaya / Prajakta)

4+ yrs Unforgatable Engineering Life's some fact

Engineer At Work:-

Assignments solved by one then carry out mass transfer operations throughout the class.

The most important machine for engineers:-

Xerox Machine(without which assignment completion couldn't be possible)

Top two engineers rumours:-

Did you hear the results are being put up today at 5.30 pm.
Did you hear the exams are postponed by two weeks.

Common Engineering dialouge after the paper:-

What is this man, 70% of paper was out of the syllabus.
This was the worst paper set in the entire engineering history. I am failing. what about you?

What is B.E?

8                            Semesters
80 GB                    Syllabus
80 MB                   we study
80 KB                   we remember
80 Bytes                we answer
Binary marks          we get

The finally we get is B.E
That is Brain Empty(B.E).

Kala Achar KAb TAk Bhains Kehlayega

Surely need ur comments

Best answer by B.E students during viva

It bring back fond memories for those who care to smile at the past:-

Interviewer: Why is a thicker conductor necessary to carry a current in A.C.as compared to D.C. ?
Candidate : An AC current goes up and down (drawing a sinusoid) and requires more space inside the wire, so the wire has to be thicker

External (to student) : "Why does a capacitor block DC but allow AC To pass through
Student: See, a capacitor is like this --- --- , OK. DC comes straight, like this ----------, and the capacitor stops it. But AC,goes UP, DOWN, UP DOWN and jumps right over the capacitor!" ------------------- good one : - )

Interviewer: How will you tell if that wall outlet carries AC or DC?
Candidate: I will put my finger in. If it is pushed away, it is AC. If it gets stuck, it was DC.

Interviewer: H! ow will you reverse direction of an Induction motor?
Candidate: I will remove the four bolts at the x-ud, turn the motor around, and put back the bolts.

Interviewer: How do you start a synchronous motor?
Candidate: Vrrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm (in rising pitch)
Interviewer: Stop! Stop!
Candidate: rrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm (in falling pitch)

Position of Assistant Sales Manager

We are looking candidate from IT Hardware,ISP,Office Automation Company.

Position:ASM-Corporate Sales
Location:Mumbai,Hyderabad,Chandigarh,Delhi/NCR
Salary: 2.8Lpa
Contact:poojat@contactxindia.com

Teenage daughter's

A father passing by his teenage daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was neat and tidy. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the centre of the pillow. It was addressed "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:-
Dear Dad,It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you, but I'm leaving home. I had to elope with my new boyfriend Saim because I wanted to avoid a scenewith Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Saim and he is so nice to me. I know when you meet him you'll like him too - even with all his piercing, tattoos, and motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Dad, I'm pregnant and Saim said that he wants me to have the kid and that we can be very happy together.
Even though Saim is much older than me (anyway, 42 isn't so old these days is it?), and has no money, really these things shouldn't stand in the way of our relationship, don't you agree? Saim has a great CD collection; he already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. It's true he has other girlfriends as well but I know he'll be faithful to me in his own way. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one ofmy dreams too.
Saim taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and he'll be growing it for us and we'll trade it with our friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Saim can get better; he sure deserves it!!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your loving daughter,
Rosie.
At the bottom of the page were the letters "PTO". Hands still trembling, her father turned the sheet, and read:
PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbour's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk centre drawer.Please sign it and call when it is safe for me to come home.
I love you!
Keep Smiling.....
Have a nice day.....

Men are better friends

Women:
A wife was not at home for a whole night. So, the next morning, she tells her husband that she stayed at her girlfriend's apartment overnight. The husband calls ten of her best girlfriends and none of them confirm that.

Men:
A husband was not at home for a whole night. So he tells his wife the next morning, that he stayed at his friend’s apartment overnight.So the wife calls 10 of his best friends: 5 of them confirmed that he stayed at their apartments that night, and the other 5 are claiming that he still is there with them!

Conclusion : Men are better friends.

Peanuts and choclates

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of senior citizens down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again & she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'.
'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'

The old lady replied,
'We just love the chocolate around them.'

Mainframes_Weekday INterviews_IBM

SSE: MF/ AS400
Qualification: BE/Btech/MCA/Equivalent
Experience: 3 to 8 years in the identified technology areas
Interview Location: ANy IBM LocationJoining Location: Chennai, Gurgaon, Pune, Bangalore
Contact: prachi@teamlease.com

Urgent opening for BSS Support Engineer

Location:- Gurgaon
Responsible :-To take an active/proactive part in all BSS SW Upgrade activities to achieve optimum performance, controlling costs, having a clear interface towards all interworking units, having efficient routines and rules in place.

Contact: gaurav@bharatjobs.com

Traffic Solution Reason solution Just in 10 steps

Reason: 1-Public 2-Traffic Police 3-MCD
-------------------------------------------------------------
Solution: 1-Buses,autos,tempos,loaded vehicles,trucks,tractors etc should be asked to drive on extreme left lane of road. Other vehicles should drive on lane near by divider.(very gud point)

2-No one is allowed to park any type of vehicle on road.
3-Bus stand should not be on the road.Take U cut for bus stand.
4-Bus stand should not be near crossings and end of the bridges.
5-We make all footpath clear for padetrian. There should not be any shop on footpath.

6-Make public transport better and available on every route.
7-Ask people to use lane driving.
8-If a person have parking space for 1 vehicle than he could buy only one vehicle. don't allowed person to park teir vehicle on road if they have no parking space. It reduce no of vehicle on road..(very gud point)

9-Convert very busy traffic(if two lane) to one way traffic.
10-Pepople should follow the traffic rules and traffic police and MCD should work honestly & strictly.

for any inquiry call me at 9711996227

How to Catch a LION

Newton's Method: Let, the lion catch you. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Implies you caught lion.

Einstein Method: Run in the direction opposite to that of the lion. Due to higher relative velocity, the lion will also run faster and will get tired soon. Now you can trap it easily.

Indian Police Method: Catch any animal and interrogate it & torture it to accept that its a lion.

Menaka Gandhi method: Save the lion from a danger and feed him with some vegetables continuously.

George bush method: Link the lion with Osama bin laden and shoot him!!!

Rahul Dravid’s method: Ask the lion to bowl at u. U bat for 200 balls and score 1 run Lion tired and surrenders .

Software Engineer Method: Catch a cat and claim that your testing has proven that it’s a Lion.

Urgent Openings for Mainframe Developer Gurgaon

Position : Mainframe Developer (Gurgaon)
Exp : 2 to 5 years
Skills/Competencies: Good Working experience with COBOL, JCL, VSAM, CICS, DB
Work Location: Gurgoan
Note: We need the candidate to join us immediately or not more than 10-15 days of Notice period
if you are interested in the above position, kindly fill the following details and send your updated Cvs to bangalore@sunviewc.com

Does Management know their Staff

On walking into the factory, the MD noticed a young guy leaning against the wall, doing nothing. He approached the young man and calmly said to him, "How much do you earn?" The young man was quite amazed that he was asked such a personal question, he replied, none the less, "I earn $ 2 000.00 a month, Sir. Why?" Without answering, the MD took out his wallet and removed $6000.00 cash and gave it to the young man and said, "Around here I pay people for working, not for standing around looking pretty! Here is your 3 months salary, now GET OUT and don't come back". The young man turned around and was quickly out of sight. Noticing a few onlookers, the MD said in a very upset manner, "And that applies for everybody in this company". He approached one of the onlookers and asked him, "Who's the young man that I just fired?" .
.
To which an amazing reply came of, "He was the pizza delivery man, Sir...!"

Why Good Planning is needed

One Night 4 college students were playing till late night and could not study for the test which was scheduled for the next day.In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty with grease and dirt. They then went up to the Dean and said that they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return the tire of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test. So the Dean said they could have the re-test after 3 days. They thanked him and said they would be ready by that time...
On the third day they appeared before the Dean. The Dean said that as this was a Special Condition Test, all four were required to sit in separateclass rooms for the test. They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days.
The Test consisted of 2 questions with a total of 100 Marks.

Q.1. Your Name........ ......... ......... (2 MARKS)> > >
Q.2.. Which tire burst? (98 MARKS)> >
a) Front Left b) Front Right> c) Back Left d) Back Right

> > > > > A true story from IIT Bombay ...Batch 1992 !!!

Urgent Opening for Cobol

1) Exp - Cobol,cics,db2
2) Location - Pune
3) Exp - 3-6
Contact -chitra.d@focusite.com

How IAS thinks

UPSC Exam 1998 Interview Question and there Answer given by candidates ...........
oh sorry!! IAS Officers now
Q. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
A. Concrete floors are very hard to crack!

Q. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
A. No time at all it is already built

Q. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have?
A. Very large hands.(Good one)

Q. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
A. It is not a problem, since you will never find an elephant with one hand

Q. How can a man go eight days without sleep?
A. No Probs, He sleeps at night.

Q. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
A. It will Wet or Sink as simple as that.

Q. What looks like half apple?
A: The other half.

Q. What can you never eat for breakfast?
A: Dinner.

Q. What happened when wheel was invented?
A: It caused a revolution.

Q. Bay of Bengal is in which state?
A: Liquid

Q: what is the opposite of Nag panchmi?
A: Nag did not punch me.

Don't copy if you can't paste

A popular motivational speaker was entertaining his audience. He Said : "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!" The audience was in silence and shock. The speaker added: "And that woman was my mother!"
Laughter and applause. A week later, a top manager trained by the motivational speaker tried to crack this very effective joke at home. He was a bit foggy after a drink. He said loudly to his wife who was preparing dinner, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!"
The wife went; "ah!" with shock and rage. Standing there for 20 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the manager finally blurted out "....and I can't remember who she was!"By the time the manager regained his consciousness, he was on a hospital bed nursing burns from boiling water

Moral of the story: Don't copy if you can't paste!

Stages of Life

PERFECT EXAMPLE OF CONFIDENCE

A trainee in a big multinational company dialed CEO by mistake & said,
Hey, send a hot coffee in accounts Dept in 2 min
CEO shouted: Do you know with whom u are talking?
Trainee: NO
CEO: I am CEO of the Company.
Trainee in the same tone: Do you know with whom you are talking?
CEO: No
Trainee said: Thank God & disconnected the phone.

Openings with Motorola Bangalore

Company: Motorola
Location: Bangalore
Access Networks Engineering (BSR) Team
Domain Skill Set: TCP/IP, Unicast and multicast routing protocols
Layer 2/Layer 3 technology
Operating Systems: VxWorks, GHS Integrity
Language: Excellent ‘C’ coding and debugging skills
Development Model: Object oriented software development concepts
Development Process:TL9000

Contact: anish@comcastsolutions.com

Very Serious joke

AN AMERICAN VISITED INDIA AND WENT BACK TO AMERICA
WHERE HE MET HIS INDIAN FRIEND WHO ASKED HIM

HOW DID U FIND MY COUNTRY

THE AMERICAN SAID IT IS A GREAT COUNTRY
WITH SOLID ANCIENT HISTORY
AND IMMENSELY RICH WITH NATURAL RESOURCES.

THE INDIAN FRIEND THEN ASKED ….

HOW DID U FIND INDIANS …….??

INDIANS??
WHO INDIANS??
I DIDNT FIND OR MET A SINGLE INDIAN
THERE IN INDIA…….

WHAT NONSENSE??
WHO ELSE COULD U MET IN INDIA THEN……??

THE AMERICAN SAID ……..

IN KASHMIR I MET A KASHMIRI–
IN PUNJAB A PANJABI—–
IN BIHAR,MAHARASTRA, RAJASTHAN, BENGAL,TAMILNADU,KERALA
BIHARI,MARATHI, MARWADI, BENGALI,TAMILIAN, MALAYALI………

THEN I MET
A MUSLIM,
A HINDU
A CHRISTIAN,
A JAIN,
A BUDDHIST

AND MANY MANY MANY MORE

BUT NOT A SINGLE INDIAN DID I MEET

…………………………………………………………....
THINK HOW SERIOUS THIS JOKE IS……………..

THE DAY WOULD NOT BE FAR OFF WHEN INDEED WE WOULD
BECOME A COLLECTION OF NATION STATES AS SOME
REGIONAL ANTI-NATIONAL POLITICIANS WANT ...

FIGHT BACK -

ALWAYS SAY I AM INDIAN

Most Sensible Advice on H1N1

The Most Sensible Advice About H1N1!
How to prevent H1N1 – An eMail forward is reproduced below:
Friends,
Thanks to media hype about H1N1, several people who trust me have either approached or called me to advice. The hype in media about the utility of face masks and N95 respirators as a tool for general protection against H1N1 can't be deplored enough. Yesterday, a friend who listened wanted me to write down briefly what I advised so that he could tell others in similar words. Hence this short email to friends whom I have advised recently (and others whom I haven't yet). Please realize that this is not an official advice, especially the one about face masks or N95. Most N95 respirators are designed to filter 95% particulates of 0.3µ, while the size of H1N1 virus is about 0.1µ. Hence, dependence on N95 to protect against H1N1 is like protecting against rain with an umbrella made of mosquito net.
Tamiflu does not kill but prevents H1N1 from further proliferation till the virus limits itself in about 1-2 weeks (its natural cycle). H1N1, like other Influenza A viruses, only infects the upper respiratory tract and proliferates (only) there. The only portals of entry are the nostrils and mouth/ throat. In a global epidemic of this nature, it's almost impossible not coming into contact with H1N1 in spite of all precautions. Contact with H1N1 is not so much of a problem as proliferation is. While you are still healthy and not showing any symptoms of H1N1 infection, in order to prevent proliferation, aggravation of symptoms and development of secondary infections, some very simple steps - not fully highlighted in most official communications - can be practiced (instead of focusing on how to stock N95 or Tamiflu):
1. Frequent hand-washing (well highlighted in all official communications).
2. "Hands-off-the-face" approach. Resist all temptations to touch any part of face (unless you want to eat or bathe)..
3. Gargle twice a day with warm salt water (use Listerine if you don't trust salt). H1N1 takes 2-3 days after initial infection in the throat/ nasal cavity to proliferate and show characteristic symptoms. Simple gargling prevents proliferation. In a way, gargling with salt water has the same effect on a healthy individual that Tamiflu has on an infected one. Don't underestimate this simple, inexpensive and powerful preventative method.
4. Similar to 3 above, clean your nostrils at least once every day with warm salt water. Not everybody may be good at Jala Neti or Sutra Neti (very good Yoga asanas to clean nasal cavities), but blowing the nose hard once a day and swabbing both nostrils with cotton buds dipped in warm salt water is very effective in bringing down viral population.
5. Boost your natural immunity with foods that are rich in Vitamin C (Amla and other citrus fruits). If you have to supplement with Vitamin C tablets, make sure that it also has Zinc to boost absorption.
6. Drink as much of warm liquids as you can. Drinking warm liquids has the same effect as gargling, but in the reverse direction. They wash off proliferating viruses from the throat into the stomach where they cannot survive, proliferate or do any harm.
7. All these are simple ways to prevent, within means of most households, and certainly much less painful than to wait in long queues outside public hospitals.
Happy breathing!
Best regards,
Dr.Ashutosh Mundkur

Opening for Techno commercial

Experience: 5-6 Years of experience into Techno Commercials, Selling Projects (high ends), Knowledge of Networking, Servers & Telecom Equipment.
Experience into Outsourcing Projects (High ends)
Location: Delhi
If interested, please revert with your updated resume at shruti@deftconsultancy.com

MNC REQUIRES RNC 3G/BSS Engg

JOB LOCATION: Chandigarh, Bhatinda, Jalandhar
POSITION: RNC 3G/BSS Engg
FUNCTION LEVEL: OPERATION & MAINTENANCE
ELIGIBILITY: 2-5 yrs experience handling operation and maintenance function in any telecom industry in similar concern.

Contact: atiwari@visnovasolutions.com

Oppotunity with TCS - Mainframe

Title: Mainframe Professionals.
Experience - 3 - 5 yrs. (Minimum 2+ yrs of experience in Mainframes)
Location: Mumbai
This is a Permanent Position with TCS.
Eligibility : B.E. / B.Tech / M.E. / M.Tech / MSc / MCA / MCM / MS/ MBA (IT Systems)
Contact : minal.c@tcs.com

Jokes

Police arrested a drunkard & asked: Where r u going?
Man: I'm going 2 listen lecture on ill effects of drinking.
Cop: Who'll lecture at midnight? Man: My wife...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Law Professor: Which is the most important LAW of Finance for Starting a New Business? Student: Father-in-Law!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Man: Is there any way for a long life?
Dr: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do women live longer than men?
A: Shopping never causes heart attacks, but paying the bill does!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wats the diff between Complete & Finished?
If you find a good wife u r complete otherwise u r finished
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So many options: Poison, sleeping pills, hanging, jumping from a building, lying on train tracks, but
we chose Marriage, slow and sure!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Have u heard about the man who threw his wife into a pond of crocodiles?
He's now being harassed by the animal rights for being cruel to the crocodiles.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two men r talking.
1st: I got married coz I was tired of eating out, cleaning the house, doing the laundry & wearing shabby clothes.
2nd: Amazing, I just got divorced for the very same reasons
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ericcson UP East

About Client : Ericsson India Pvt. Ltd.
They are looking for Core Engineer- AXE-810.
EXP:- 3 TO 7 YRS
Position:- Engineer/Sr.Engineer
Location:- Azamgarh, Banda, Lakhimpur, Raebareli, Basti ,Lucknow
Email : manny@sonyocareers.com

Urgent opening for SWITCH IMPLEMENTATION

Company: IT MNC
Location: Gurgaon
POSITION: SWITCH IMPLEMENTATION
Job responsibilities: • Health checkup of the BSC. • Working in AXE810 platform. • Taking the Backup of CP. • Taking the Bur backup of the BSC AND TRC. • Startup of BSC and TRC. • Hardware testing of BSC and TRC. • Perform NE test for BSC and TRC. • Call test in BSC and TRC.
QUALITIES OF CANDIDATE: Could have a capability to drive the testAssist and run audit campaignReport handling an d flexibility with job preferred.
POSITION: Engineer / Sr. Enggineer Engineer – 2-4 yrs / Sr. Engineer 4 – 8 yrs
Qualifcation – BE/ BTECH / Diploma

send your CV on kchauhan@visnovasolutions.com

Helping Hands